a new year

She helps me get through each day.

I don't feel like I have much to celebrate or look forward to. I'm trying to be positive, but it's awfully hard. What with the very recent death of my grandpa, the loss of love and my best friend, and the stress of work that will soon be upon me (I'm working every single day until February) - it makes it difficult to recognize the good things in my life.



I'm trying to tell myself that 2008 will be a better year, but it's really hard to believe when it's starting off so horribly.

help

To: Anastasia
Date: Dec 29, 2007 11:37 PM
Subject: RE: No Subject

I'm dying


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Anastasia
Date: Dec 29, 2007 4:14 PM
Subject: RE: No Subject


I need you

forgive me

It's all my fault.

I wish I could eat.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it feels like the entirety of your insides are compressing and leaving a huge empty space where everything that's keeping you alive is supposed to be? Every breath you take is an enormous effort because your heart and lungs feel so heavy. You become lightheaded and feel like you're going to pass out because it's so hard to breathe. It's completely miserable. Utter torment. Sometimes you think you might just die. It comes in waves. One moment you're fine. You're laughing and smiling. Then suddenly, it hurts so bad you feel like it's going to kill you.

This sounds so dramatic but if you've ever loved and have faced the possibility of love lost then you know it's absolutely true. The pain is almost unbearable.

so sorry

I am such a child sometimes.

for my friends

I haven't made a poster for anyone in a long time. It was fun! Evan let me do whatever I wanted to do.



PS. The whole hair dying thing turned into a huge fiasco. I looked like a carrot.

new wheels

Yesterday was such a strange day. Good strange in some ways, and awkward strange in others.


One of my customers who works at the bike shop down the street showed up with a bike for me. I was not expecting it at all. We had a conversation a month or so ago about how I would love to get a bike but I just didn't know the first thing about how to pick one out. So, he gave me his old bike that he had fixed up. He said it fits me (size wise) perfectly. I really don't know how to repay him... I am so excited about this though.

My youngest brother is in high school, and he is taking an auto body detailing class. I'm going to have him take the bike in and paint it for me for free. I want it to be black and shiny. I'm going to get a basket for it, and a tan leather seat.



Hopefully, I will be able to make it look as cute as that bike. I haven't ridden a bike in years - so it might take some practice!


I'm so excited!

so tired

It's so early. I got up at 5:00am to open. I slept 3 hours last night because I went crazy turning my room upside down, one last time, trying to find my phone. I give up. I'm going to the mall after work to buy a new one and it's going to cost me no less than $200. So lame.

I have an appointment on Thursday for an all over color & cut. My hair is so fine and lifeless, I've decided to try damaging it with bleach and see if that helps at all. I'm just going to go a few shades lighter than my natural color, I think. I'm trying to grow my hair out after chopping it off in July, so hopefully she won't have to cut too much off.

ugh. I'm going to be spending a lot of money this week.

home

I truly feel like there is nothing left for me here. I want to move somewhere else so badly, but where do I go? I would run to Portland without looking back if Anastasia & Nate weren't moving. Without Ana there though, I'm not sure it would be worth it. I'm going to miss her so much.

butch

I want to marry Paul Newman c. 1969.

It's hard wanting someone you can't have.

je t'aime paris

I want to go back to Paris.

summer in the city

me - august 2007
















I miss the sun. I miss running around in shorts and little dresses and only being cold when splashing around in the lake. I like winter, but I feel freer and happier in the sun.


I'm forcing myself to get my life in order. I have a plan. I'm going to go back to The New York Fashion Academy in January and take classes there part time. By springtime, I hope to have a strong portfolio ready, and I will apply to the apparel design programs at my top 5 schools for the Fall 2008.

1. Central Saint Martin's College of Art & Design - London
2. Parsons School of Design - NYC
3. Fashion Institute of Technology - NYC
4. Academy of Art University - San Fransisco
5. Rhode Island School of Design - Providence


I've struggled for so long with what I want to do as a profession. I've considered almost everything. I thought I wanted to do graphic design/illustration, but I absolutely hate sitting in front of a computer for long periods of time. I get incredibly claustrophobic & grumpy. I still love to draw, but I think that since it's always been my "thing", I can't use it as a job. It completely ruins it for me. I realized I need to do something more hands on. I feel more productive that way. I love fashion - as superficial as it may be. I love it - and I love sewing. I worry that I'm not the right personality type to be involved in that world... So, I'm a little scared. Petrified, actually. But I'm diving into it.

I want to be...

It's really baffling to me how one can be going through so much, yet the ones closest to them never notice.

I realized while showering this morning that I haven't left my house in two weeks except to go to work. There were maybe two outings but they hardly consisted of anything.

It used to be torture being lonely. Now it seems like loneliness is just part of life. I guess I've accepted that it's just something I'll have to embrace for a while. Or maybe I've just been so preoccupied with all these other things that I've been trying to work out... I haven't had enough time to stop and realize that I'm alone.

specs

I wish I could look this adorable when I'm wearing my glasses. I read the sartorialist every day (where I got this picture). I've always secretly hoped that someday he might stop me and ask to take my picture! although I'd probably end up being so nervous that the picture would turn out horrible!

He wrote once about this girl that he photographed twice - but at completely different times - and didn't even realize it was the same girl until she had told him he had before because she seemed so different. She told him that when he first photographed her, she had just moved to Manhattan and didn't know anybody. I wish I had the time to find this particular entry of his right now but I have to wake up at 5am for work... Basically what he said really struck a chord with me and has had me thinking about it ever since. He pointed out that this girl changed so much since he first saw her and he could tell not only by how she was dressed, but by the way she carried herself. He said she had an air of confidence that she didn't have before. Like she finally knew who she was. Then he pointed out that maybe she had always known who she was, but that people (our families, friends, etc.) always think they know who you are better than you do. Or they think they know who you are, and because they do, you feel like you have to stay in this mold of the person they think they know. But if you get away from all of that, you might finally be able to become the person you really are - because they won't be there to judge you and say, "No, that's not you! You're not like this, you're like that!"

I've really been wondering lately... is that the case with me? I honestly believe sometimes that the people around me and closest to me don't know who I really am. I have this true self inside me that I'm afraid to be because everyone I know will tell me that's not who I really am, because they aren't familiar with that person. There were times in my relationship with my ex (who I swore knew me better than anybody I'd ever known) when I would look at him and wonder, "Do you even know who I am?". Maybe he didn't.

I've had this yearning to move away from here where nobody knows me, or at least don't know me well enough to point out the difference. I've been floating for the past 5 years and can't make up my mind about anything. I don't know what I want to be, or what I want to do with my life - and I know I've never actually done anything that I've really wanted to do. I find myself always struggling to figure out what I'm actually good at. People have told me my whole life what I'm good at - but what do I think I'm good at? I don't know! I can't decide. I can't place a finger on anything that I feel particularly confident in. I set goals but I never make them and then I always have an excuse for why I didn't reach them. Maybe that's because I've never been left to figure out what I want on my own.

So, I wonder... if I left, if I started all over again somewhere else - would I become me? And if I could finally become me, would I finally be able to decide what I want? Would I figure out what I'm good at and be able to stick with it? Would I be able to set goals and accomplish them? Would I develop this confidence and comfort with myself like the girl in Manhattan?

Would finding myself really be what I was doing? Or would it just be running from a life and a world that I'm not particularly happy in?


If I were running away... would that be so bad?

water for elephants

I'm reading this book. It's making me wish I had lived and been young in the 20's and traveled with a circus. It's also making me think I should cut my hair like that.

I want these books...